3 non-negotiables I have as a recovering people-pleasing perfectionist.

My name is Cait and I am a recovering people-pleaser and perfectionist. I spent most of my twenty-seven years on this earth trying to be perfect for other people. The perfect daughter. The perfect student. The perfect employee. And on and on and on. If you couldn’t already guess, yes I am the eldest daughter. People-pleasing and perfectionism is a nasty cocktail because not only are you trying to make everyone happy (impossible task), you’re also trying to do it in a way that’s perfect (another impossible task). If I had to liken being a people-pleasing perfectionist I would say it’s like juggling blazing batons while trying to unicycle and do the Macarena. Sound difficult? It is.

It’s only very recent in my journey that I decided to stop trying to be perfect and make everyone happy because in truth, it was making me miserable. There’s a brief hit of dopamine when someone you love approves of your choice or action and then a night of tossing and turning when you realise that it wasn’t aligned with you at all. Today, I’m going to share some of the non-negotiables I have that help me protect my peace and feel aligned with the decisions I make.

I trust myself, implicitly.

Every choice that I make for myself is made with a foundation of self-trust. I know that I will do the right thing by myself and I am beyond sure that that choice is for me. I won’t lie, self-trust is not easy to rebuild over years of ignoring your own opinion but it is possible to rebuild it. My main issue was that I outsourced my decisions to other people for so long. If I was making a decision, I’d ask someone else for their take on it. And don’t get me wrong, having a support system like this isn’t a bad thing and I’m not saying never to ask for advice. However, if someone else has the final say on the decisions about your life, you’re doing it wrong.

My rule of thumb is that I try to follow my own gut first. I listen to my intuition. I look at the patterns. I list the pros and cons. That way, I know that it is me that creates the foundations of whatever path I choose to take. If I feel like I still need guidance, that’s when I turn to my support system. I’ll ask them what they’d do or how they’d approach it and take that advice on board. Weigh it up against my own thoughts and then choose the course to take after careful consideration. The final decision however, is always mine. I don’t ever give people the power to decide about my life anymore.

if it’s not a hell yeah, it’s a no.

Saying ‘no’ to someone is the most terrifying thing you can do as a people-pleaser. And I know a few of you reading this will be horrified at the thought of saying no to someone. I know that because I used to be exactly the same. I used to think that the people around me deserve all of the time and energy I can spare for them. I was the biggest yes-man ever, saying yes to things that either filled me with anxiety or that I knew would drain my energy.

Now, I am much more conscious with my time, effort and energy. I see these things almost as something that needs to be budgeted. I’m more than happy to make plans or help someone else as long as it doesn’t leave me feeling deflated. I know for a lot of people who are still stuck in that people-pleasing cycle this might sound selfish and in truth, it kinda is. But sometimes, it is good to be selfish. I’ve actually found that because I protect my energy and use it wisely, I am a better person to be around when I make plans because I now make sure to fill my own cup first. A few years ago, I saw the quote “You can’t pour from an empty cup” and when you say yes to everything to please others without sparing a thought for yourself, this is essentially what you’re trying to do.

I no longer try to manage others emotions.

There’s nothing that strikes fear into the heart of a people-pleaser like upsetting someone. People-pleasers will try so hard to keep the peace and keep people happy even if this means disturbing their own peace. This was me for so long. I took other people’s emotions on as my own concern and tried my best to make sure I acted in a way that would keep them happy. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t go out of my way to upset people and that is never my goal. However, if me doing something in my life for myself makes them upset – that’s no longer my problem.

There are many examples of things I did do or didn’t do so that I could keep others happy. Some of these things were little and others were huge life choices. I really don’t want to look back at my life in 50 years and be disappointed because I know I didn’t live aligned to my own vision. It’s so vital to understand that people will want different things for you in life but that doesn’t always mean these things are for you. Your path is not meant to be determined based on whether people will be angry or annoyed at what you choose to do.

Bit of a deeper post today but honestly, one I think is important to speak about. Wanting to be that perfect version of yourself for the people around you seems like a good and noble cause but in reality, it’s a failsafe way to make sure you are never truly happy with your own life. You can’t please everyone so make it easier for yourself and try and please yourself first.

Love ya, Cait xo