I don’t think I’ve always felt connected to my femininity. Not in an obvious way. Not in a “I hate being a girl” kind of way. Just… disconnected. Like it was something other people understood, and I was just sort of observing from the outside. And if I’m being really honest, I think for a long time I quietly rejected it.
I Thought Being “Less Feminine” Made Me Stronger.
Somewhere along the way, I picked up this idea that being feminine meant being:
- too soft
- too emotional
- too easy to take advantage of
And I didn’t want to be any of those things. So I did what a lot of us do without even realising. I hardened a little. I became very “I don’t need anyone”. Very independent. Very in control of my emotions (or at least… I tried to be). Don’t get me wrong — those traits did protect me. But they also created a version of me that felt a little bit closed off. A little bit tense. Like I was always slightly bracing myself.
The Quiet Realisation.
I don’t think there was a big, dramatic moment where everything changed. It was more of a slow, quiet realisation. That maybe… I wasn’t actually rejecting femininity. I just didn’t feel safe in it. And that hit a bit. Because it made me realise it wasn’t about dresses or makeup or “girly things” at all. It was about softness. And how uncomfortable that felt for me.
Femininity Isn’t What I Thought It Was.
I used to think femininity was one specific type of person. Soft-spoken. Delicate. Always put together. But now I see it so differently.
Femininity can be:
- soft, but also grounded
- emotional, but also self-aware
- gentle, but with strong boundaries
It’s not about being smaller. It’s about being open. And that’s a completely different thing.
Letting Myself Soften (Just a Little at First).
I didn’t suddenly wake up and become this soft, serene version of myself overnight. It was much more subtle than that.
It looked like:
- letting myself enjoy slower mornings instead of rushing straight into the day
- actually doing my skincare properly instead of treating it like a chore
- buying things just because they felt nice, not because they were “useful”
- letting myself feel things without immediately shutting them down
Tiny things. But they changed how my days felt. Less harsh. Less rigid. A little bit more… me.
The Fear of “Losing Yourself”.
I think one of the biggest reasons I resisted femininity for so long was this fear that I’d lose my strength. That if I became softer, I’d become weaker. But that didn’t happen. If anything, I feel more secure in myself now.
Because I’m not constantly fighting parts of who I am. I can be independent and soft. Strong and emotional. Grounded and gentle. It was never one or the other.
What Femininity Looks Like For Me Now.
Now, femininity feels a lot less like something I’m trying to “be” and more like something I come back to.
It’s in:
- slow, cosy evenings
- taking care of myself without rushing it
- being a bit more present in my life instead of always thinking ahead
- letting things be soft instead of always needing control
It’s not perfect. It’s not consistent. But it feels natural. And that’s how I know it’s right for me.
If You Feel Disconnected From It Too
You don’t need to suddenly change everything about yourself. You don’t need to become more “girly” or fit into any kind of box. You can just start small.
Maybe that looks like:
- slowing down parts of your day
- choosing things that feel nice instead of just productive
- letting yourself rest without guilt
- softening the way you speak to yourself
It’s less about doing more. And more about allowing yourself to be a little softer than you’re used to.
You’re not “bad” at being feminine. You’re not doing it wrong. And you definitely don’t need to force it. Sometimes, that disconnect is just a sign that you haven’t felt safe enough to be soft yet. And that’s okay. You can build that safety slowly. You can meet yourself there gently. You’re not becoming someone new. You’re just letting a softer version of you exist.
Love ya, Cait xo
